Monday, December 27, 2010

Somebody Else

   I was simply trying to fit in. Trying to be the girl everyone wanted to hang around. I had spent the past two years of high school incredibly alone and, I was determined not to relive that nightmare. Shedding my innonence was easy, or so I thought. As I quickly learned the consequences to my actions, my life went spiraling out of control. Dangerous thoughts and rebellious ideas consumed my mind.
   It was the one shot of vodka that led to the regretful nights of my past mistakes. The pressure from my peers to constantly lie that buried me in a whole so deep, my relationship with my mom slowly withered. Who was I? I was somebody. I had friends. I laughed and I cried with them, drank and snuck out with them. I was so desperate to escape my life (to shed the good-girl image constantly lagging behind me) I suddenly became obsessed with changing myself.
   My friends never knew the real me. They never had the chance too. I was constantly lying, hiding under laughs and stupidity, too terrified to take off my mask. What would it reveal? Nothing. The real me wasn't important to these so-called "friends", at least that's what I told myself.
   I'm smart. I overthink everything, and never trust anybody. My past was a mystery to them and I tried my best to keep it that way. I was always acting stupid and saying things that would make my friends laugh. I forced myself to do everything I could just so they would notice me. Pathetic? I would say so. Here I was finally fitting in but, I was just a fake, starving for attention.
   There was no turning back now. The minute I reached for that shot of vodka, who I was quickly drowned. Only to be replaced by an insecure bitch that would hurt too many people. As much as I want to, I can't reverse my past, can't change what happened or the people I hurt. The only thing I can do is learn from what I've done and move on to new experiences and different hardships. Move on to discover who I was and what I've done doesn't have to determine the rest of my future.

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